Liar

Why?

Why would you lie about something like this?
You put my life on a two way street,
The street I’m not ready to face.
You put my job on the edge.

I feel harassed by your mother and your uncle.

You lied about something so serious,
why did you let it get to this?

I’m sorry I stopped being your friend,
but this just proves my point.

You’re a lying bitch who wants to ruin my life,
Just cause you crave attention,
You’re jealous that i’m finally happy,
Without you in my life,
I was were I wanted to be.

You’re trying to turn everyone against me,
You’re addicted to lies,
Admit it.

All I want to know is why,
An explanation for the misery you put me in.

I can’t wait till justice is served.
I can’t wait till you get what you deserve.

I can’t wait till I get what I deserve again.

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If anything ever happens to me, I want you to know:

Dear Boyfriend/Best friend/my soulmate,

I think I really did fall in love with you at first touch, I know you didn’t feel the same, but I felt it. You just are the most perfect balance that a human being could have. You make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have the privilege to have even met you.

Our first months were rocky, yes, they were a few very hard months but I honestly wouldn’t change any part of our journey together, honestly. Yes, the week we spent apart was though however something told me it wasn’t over. That week made such a big difference.

I am sorry, I am truly sorry I did not give you time. I am sorry. I hate myself for doing that to you.
I am sorry I get jealous easily, I’m sorry you lost some friends cause of my jealousy. I know that must have felt like shit.
I feel like you deserve better, and its all I ever want to give you, I swear, I will do anything it takes to become the perfect girlfriend. To be the one who is always there when you need me, To be everything you look for in a girl, To be perfect just like you.

Our first time in Rome was something I will never forget. I feel like I got to know you better, I felt safe and loved, a feeling no one was able to show me. If I could choose to lose my virginity to someone I wish, I truly wish it was to you, someone I love, someone I trust and someone who is the total opposite of the monster who stole it from me.

It took a while to open up, It was hard, and it did kind of triggered me yeah, It’s not your fault please know that, but i have been thinking a lot about what we said, But I know that what i said within the hotel room walls are safe with you. Thank you, for taking care of me. Thank you for being there, always.

I need to thank you for turning all my days from horrible to beautiful days full of laughter and love, for making me feel alive when i wake up feeling dead and numb, for taking my broken soul and mending it bit by bit. Thank you for crossing oceans for me just to see a smile on my face.

If anything ever happens to me and you come across this post,
I never loved anyone as much as I love you,
I will do anything and everything for you.
I want you to know that you’re the most caring and loving person,
You’re my favorite person,
My demel buddy,
My other half,
My soul mate,
The love of my life,
You are my whole world and my everything.
You are the reason I keep strong.
You are the reason I keep trying.

I hope you know I’ll always love you,
To mars and back and to mars again,
Always and forever.

I love you,
so much.

please don’t forget me.
please

~

J,

Sometimes your name pops up in my life every now and then, it still fills me with fear and regret. If I happen to see you around, my heart pounds faster and my legs get wobbly. When I’m home alone I lock my door and hide in my room till someone comes home, I try to distract myself but the flashbacks of that day still terrify me and I’ll need to get out of my home. I still get insecure about my body, my appearance, my character, my everything. My insecurities feel just the same they did 4 years ago when you took every piece of me and ruined me, When you bashed my heart, when you picked everything I hate about myself and magnified it a million times just cause I didn’t want to call you my ‘God’. Just because I refused to be treated like an object. Just because I wanted to stand up for myself and escape your prison. Imprinted in my memories will always be that one picture, what ruined us and what still ruins me till this day. That one picture that made me your bitch, your slut and your slave. That picture that I am so ashamed of.

I don’t want your apology or the bullshit “I’ve changed this time I swear”, I don’t want any of that, what I want is something no one can really give me.

I want to forget you and everything you did to me,
I don’t ever want to see you or hear your stupid fucking name.
I want to stop hearing your voice in my head calling me names.

I refuse to accept that my ‘firsts’ where with you, a heartless pig.
If I could change one thing in my life it would definitely be staying home on the 14th of august.

I know you will never read this,
But I really hope one day karma hits you bad,
I’ll never forgive you,

K.

Five Months

Things are different now,
In a good way.

There are still those days I feel like everything I do is wrong,
Or I feel that I’m not enough,
Or I could try harder,
Or days where my thoughts are too loud to bare,

But,

For the past five months,
He wrapped his arms around me,
Held my hand,
Made me smile,
Made me laugh,
Made me feel loved for being myself,
A feeling that I never experienced,
A feeling that I craved for years,
A feeling that I looked for in the wrong people.

I hope he knows,
He makes me feel special,
He makes me feel loved.

I hope he knows,
I love him.

Perfect moments

Stop waiting for the perfect moment,

It doesn’t exist.

So kiss your crush,

Take that risk,

Apply for the job you want,

Start learning something new,

Go on an adventure with your friends,

Buy plane tickets to anywhere,

Try new things, 

Make new friends,

Ask stupid questions,

Go on pretty dates on a sunny day,

Cuddle up in bed on the rainy days.

Perfect moments don’t exist,

But after awhile you learn to make them.

And most times, 

They come unexpected,

She

She kept it in,
She kept silent.

Not a word,
Not a sound.

It kept getting louder,
It kept on growing.

The voice in her head,
makes her wish she was dead.

No one loved her,
She felt unwanted.

Her wrists were bleeding,
She wanted to forget.

She was giving up,
Wishing she was dead.

Cause no one cared,
What was going on in her head.

Just as every other guy has done

To you I’m just an object,
An object that that constantly wines,
And annoys you,
But I guess I do the job right,
Once in a while.

To you I’m just an object,
an object you will use,
over and over again,
enough to rip me apart.

I guess I never learn,
Like the rest you have used me,
I sit here waiting,
To watch you throw me away.

I sit here realizing how fucked I am,
To have fallen for you,
To have given you what you wanted,
To let you use me,
To let you hurt me,

Just as every other guy has done.

Because I’ll never be beautiful enough,
I’ll never be what anyone looks for,
I’ll never be smart,
I’ll never be skinny.

Because no one will ever love me for who I truly am.

Why do I even try?
Why am I still here?