~

J,

Sometimes your name pops up in my life every now and then, it still fills me with fear and regret. If I happen to see you around, my heart pounds faster and my legs get wobbly. When I’m home alone I lock my door and hide in my room till someone comes home, I try to distract myself but the flashbacks of that day still terrify me and I’ll need to get out of my home. I still get insecure about my body, my appearance, my character, my everything. My insecurities feel just the same they did 4 years ago when you took every piece of me and ruined me, When you bashed my heart, when you picked everything I hate about myself and magnified it a million times just cause I didn’t want to call you my ‘God’. Just because I refused to be treated like an object. Just because I wanted to stand up for myself and escape your prison. Imprinted in my memories will always be that one picture, what ruined us and what still ruins me till this day. That one picture that made me your bitch, your slut and your slave. That picture that I am so ashamed of.

I don’t want your apology or the bullshit “I’ve changed this time I swear”, I don’t want any of that, what I want is something no one can really give me.

I want to forget you and everything you did to me,
I don’t ever want to see you or hear your stupid fucking name.
I want to stop hearing your voice in my head calling me names.

I refuse to accept that my ‘firsts’ where with you, a heartless pig.
If I could change one thing in my life it would definitely be staying home on the 14th of august.

I know you will never read this,
But I really hope one day karma hits you bad,
I’ll never forgive you,

K.

Five Months

Things are different now,
In a good way.

There are still those days I feel like everything I do is wrong,
Or I feel that I’m not enough,
Or I could try harder,
Or days where my thoughts are too loud to bare,

But,

For the past five months,
He wrapped his arms around me,
Held my hand,
Made me smile,
Made me laugh,
Made me feel loved for being myself,
A feeling that I never experienced,
A feeling that I craved for years,
A feeling that I looked for in the wrong people.

I hope he knows,
He makes me feel special,
He makes me feel loved.

I hope he knows,
I love him.

Perfect moments

Stop waiting for the perfect moment,

It doesn’t exist.

So kiss your crush,

Take that risk,

Apply for the job you want,

Start learning something new,

Go on an adventure with your friends,

Buy plane tickets to anywhere,

Try new things, 

Make new friends,

Ask stupid questions,

Go on pretty dates on a sunny day,

Cuddle up in bed on the rainy days.

Perfect moments don’t exist,

But after awhile you learn to make them.

And most times, 

They come unexpected,

She

She kept it in,
She kept silent.

Not a word,
Not a sound.

It kept getting louder,
It kept on growing.

The voice in her head,
makes her wish she was dead.

No one loved her,
She felt unwanted.

Her wrists were bleeding,
She wanted to forget.

She was giving up,
Wishing she was dead.

Cause no one cared,
What was going on in her head.

Just as every other guy has done

To you I’m just an object,
An object that that constantly wines,
And annoys you,
But I guess I do the job right,
Once in a while.

To you I’m just an object,
an object you will use,
over and over again,
enough to rip me apart.

I guess I never learn,
Like the rest you have used me,
I sit here waiting,
To watch you throw me away.

I sit here realizing how fucked I am,
To have fallen for you,
To have given you what you wanted,
To let you use me,
To let you hurt me,

Just as every other guy has done.

Because I’ll never be beautiful enough,
I’ll never be what anyone looks for,
I’ll never be smart,
I’ll never be skinny.

Because no one will ever love me for who I truly am.

Why do I even try?
Why am I still here?

 

 

New chapter

In this chapter that I’m closing,
I’ve learned how to grieve on my own,
I’ve learned to pick myself up,
Continue walking even in the darkest of roads.

I’ve felt failure and satisfaction,
I’ve worked my hardest for things I desire.
I have trusted and I have been put down.

I’ve learned the difference between love and lust,
Between pain and anger,
Between hope and faith,
Between desire and ambition.

I’ve experienced the power of words and the power of actions,
The power of hope and the power of faith.
The power of negativity and the power of positivity.
The power of the few people who make the big difference.

As I look back on this chapter,
I am grateful for the days I felt happy,
Grateful for the days I felt depressed, anxious and numb,
Grateful for never giving up,
Grateful for the friends that stuck,
Grateful for the friends that left,
Grateful for always holding on to hope.

This chapter made me the person I am today.

.

My beds undone,
The room is a mess,
The music turned dull,
The sun hurts my eyes,
Everything is black,
Everything is sad.

Nothing is right.

I’m numb.
I want it to end.
I want to run away.
I want to let go.
I’m not strong.
I’m alone.

I can’t live like this anymore.