A

Dear A,

I’ve been meaning to write this for weeks, but I never built up the courage to express what I’m feeling, at times I’m not even sure.

A month has passed since you left me. Ever since we’ve been apart my heart has not stopped wondering about our good days, all I could think of was how I was so blind to not see it coming, I might have taken your love for granted, I never imagined losing the most important person in my life. I think the hardest thing I had to go through was accepting that it’s all gone, I still can’t believe it sometimes.

I put everything that reminded me of us in a wooden box, I still go through the things everyday in hopes that it will glue my heart back in place, I know it sound stupid but our pictures still make me smile, we were so in love it’s the best I’ve ever felt.

I blame myself for all this, I mean I’m not the kind of girl you would fall in love with, I always wish I was. I wish I was covered in tattos with a nice body and a pretty smile, I really wish I was older too  I know thats something that always bothered you. I get all that, I dont even know why you even wanted me in the first place.

I was obsessive, blieve it or not its because i always was sacred of losing you, look where we are now because of my fucking obsessiveness. I pushed it too far and I’m sorry if that ever hurt you. It kills me to realize how stupid I was.

I still think you gave up too early on us, we’ve been through so much I know we would have gotten through this, you and I made a pretty strong team. You held me up when I was done and I did the same.

I knew losing you was going to be though but I never imagined it to be so painful, all the things I miss sting my heart. You still show up in my dreams with that fucking smile and your hand holding mine. It’s amazing how much I miss you holding my hand.

People tell me its harder to hold on rather then just letting go. I guess they have a point, you’ve gone your way and I’m still here hoping one day everything falls into place, maybe you’ll find your way back to us, we can be happy again. I can wait forever.

You hurt me, you broke my heart into pieces, you played with my feelings and you fucked me up. I lost the person I loved the most.

But I still love you,

I miss you baby and I really want to go home now.
Your arms wrapped around me is the only thing that can mend my broken soul.

Love always and forever,

 

 

 

 

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Love?

What does love look like to me?

Up until a year ago i would have answered simply with happiness, excitement, smiles, flowers on the door step, intimacy, peace and loyalty.

Now, my answer is different.

Love?

It’s heart break, its a monster of emotions. Love is getting every inch of your body to forgive the stupid thing. Love doesn’t forget, loves reminds you every bad detail of that human being every time you look at him. Love barks. Love stabs. Love isnt loyal. Love is confusing. Love pushes you off the bridge. Love cries you to sleep at night and love will burn you alive. Love is cruel. Sometimes i hate love.

But despite all that, everyday after work all i look for is that one smile.

That little peck that makes you forget.

Love is sacrifice.

Love is tears on your shoulder.

Love is rewarding.

Love is sticking with each other, if i fuck up and if you fuck up.

Love is scarce.

Love is love.

Love is difficult.

Love is painful.

But with the right person,

Love is worth all that.

With the right person,

There is nothing better than being loved.

There is nothing better than loving someone.

.

I feel something wrong,
Something different.

The tone of your voice?
The uncertainty in your words?
How about that no-rely all day?

Or maybe It’s less kisses,
More fights,
Less time,
More cries.

The smirk on your face,
When I know you’re keeping something,
Under your sleeve, on the tip of your tongue,
Hidden in lips no wonder we don’t kiss,
On the top of your head,
Is there something your not telling me?

Maybe it’s the music you listen to now,
It’s different? Is it?

I just can’t put my finger on it.

We’ve gone from everything together,
To no days together in the blink of an eye,
We lost everything.

I’m trying to do everything to save us.
Are you doing the same?

Maybe it’s all in my head,
as you said,
I tend to exaggerate.

 

Pretend

She bites her tongue and swallows her words. She keeps her tears back and holds her breath. In her head all she hears is loud voices of her wound up thoughts. “Don’t cry, act like it doesn’t hurt, keep it together, don’t fuck this up again” she whispers in a shaking voice as she stares at her teared up eyes and her broken smile in the reflection. She kept it all in for him, cause to her he was everything she dreamed of, her favorite past, present and future.

She crossed oceans, built bridges in the past, all with her bear hands and only hers, but now shes fragile, she feels every word, ever action, every second, with him she feels everything.

He told her shes exaggerating.

“I’m crazy, I’m stupid, why is he with me? why? why do i have to be so fucked up?”

He will never understand.

What goes on in her head.

She looked into those teared up eyes, she looked at her broken smile and there she changed.

She puts on a smiling face, even when her head is full of voices and her tummy feels weird and when she feels like she can’t help but cry and when she feeling like she can’t do it anymore, when she feels like she wants to die, when she feels like she wants to scream.

When she’s in pain.

She smile’s.

He told her she’s exaggerating so she pretended she doesn’t feel anything.

What hurt her the most?
He said they’re doing better now.
He said they’re better than ever.
So she will continue pretend to be someone else, even if it’s for the rest of her life.
She will do anything for him to be happy.

Back where she started.
Alone.

Maybe

I wish,

I could feel you heart,

Beating for us,

Against my chest,

Like it used to.

I wish,

I could feel your breath,

Gasping for us,

Against my neck,

Like it used to.

I wish,

Your hand still fits,

Like a perfect puzzle,

Perfectly into mine,

Like it used to.

I wish,

Your face lights up,

For you and I,

That smirk i miss,

Like it used to.

I wish,

That my time,

Is spent with you,

And you only,

Like we used to.

I wish,

The best,

For us two,

For better days together,

Like I always have,

Cause I feel like i’m stuck,

Stuck in love with you,

An illness that will never cure,

Cause my heart beats,

Only for us,

Every breath i take,

Only for us,

My hand was made,

Only to fit yours,

My face only lights up,

For you and no one else,

My time is spent thinking,

Of only you.

Maybe im the problem,

Cause how can a girl like me,

Get a guy like you?

Maybe now you see,

The flaws I see in myself.

Maybe other women,

Are perfect,

Maybe i’m flawed.

I wish,

I could be everything you want,

And much more,

Anything for you.

Everything for you,

Even if it means nothing for me.

I need you.

I need us.

Its everything for me,

Please baby,

Help me.

The beginning

After that I was addicted,
You were my high,
Never a single low,
We were Infinite,
Honey.

Blazed eyed,
We drove through the streets,
With the sun shining bright,
On our lit up faces,
In the summer air.

Oh how good life seemed,
Just you and I,
Baby, we had it all.

I showed you my wounds,
My broken wings,
My broken heart,
My naked soul.

And you began to mend,
Day by day,
Stitch by stitch,
With your bare hands,
You restored me.

Everything I needed,
wanted and waited for,
And will always look for.

It was the beginning,
To something great.

It was the beginning,
Of forever.

It was the beginning,
Of You and I.

 

Part 2

You and I

Our lips touched, our eyes locked, holding hands,
we caved into the wrong,
Pressed against the wall,
Your lips tasted like honey,
And I had been craving sweet all my life.

From that moment I was hooked.

Hooked,
Your face, Your smile, Your laugh, Your eyes,
Everything you,
Hooked.

I,
A worn out soul,
With broken wings,
Tried to fly,
Just for you.

But It only took a few months,
Till you shot me back down,
straight to the ground.

BANG BANG 

I remember the sound,
Of the words you said.
It sounded like,
screeching nails on a chalk board,
I was the chalkboard.

But I pretended to be okay,
Acted like I could still fly,
Acted like you were not the one,
To shoot me down,
Cause deep down I knew,
There’s more time for us,
Honey.

And so there was,
Away from the party.
again,

our lips touched, our eyes locked, holding hands,

This time,
Your lips didn’t taste like honey,
But of liquor,
A mixture of good times and fear.

Pressed against the wall,
I begged you not to hurt me again.
You promised as you kissed my neck.

“Promise, Promise, Promise”

We snuck into your house,
holding my heels in one hand,
And in the other your hand.

That night I felt It,
Passion and love.
That’s the night I felt it.

But you were too drunk to remember.

It’s okay.

I guess there is where it started,
It could have been better.

but It was all worth it
Part 1